What to do if you're feeling trapped by caring for an older parent
Feeling trapped when caring for an older parent
Caring for an older loved one can be incredibly rewarding, but it can also be a stressful experience that becomes more time consuming and taxing as the person ages. If you are caring for an older parent you may feel the responsibility is all down to you, which can lead to feelings of resentment or feeling ‘trapped’ – this can cause a negative mindset to develop. If you are experiencing carer burnout, or feel trapped in a cycle of caring, we are taking a closer look at why and how carer resentment develops, how to avoid it or minimise its effects, how to cope with the challenges of your emotions, how to discuss this with your parent, what to do if they refuse to listen, and where to turn for support. At Home Instead, our aim is to help people age positively and in place by bringing expert care to their home. For nearly 20 years, we have been providing the highest standard of care, and creating industry-leading training programmes for our Care Professionals that are accredited by nursing and medical professionals. Today, we are the world’s largest global domiciliary care network, supporting over 100,000 older adults with personalised, tailored care at home. So whatever questions you have about caring for an older parent, we can help.
What is involved in caring for an older parent?
Becoming a carer – whether occasional, part-time or full-time – is a big responsibility that could involve a combination of physical care (personal care, mobility assistance, etc.), emotional support, and managing their medical needs if required. On the physical care side, a family caregiver might become involved in daily tasks like bathing, helping them get dressed, preparing healthy meals, and more. On the emotional support side, you may need to practise patience and understanding when dealing with your older parent’s preferences and ways of doing things, and regularly check in on their mental health. If it is appropriate for you to get involved with their medical needs (for example, if you are trained in and authorised to administer certain medications) then you might help to coordinate healthcare appointments, maintain the medication schedule, and monitor signs and symptoms of any chronic health conditions they have, such as diabetes.You may find some advice on this topic in our guide to caring for elderly parents.As their family member, you may also need to become responsible for their financial and legal administration if they reach a point where they can no longer manage this themselves. Tasks like paying household bills and staying up to date with insurance policies will still need to be managed even if your parent can no longer do it themselves, so you should be prepared to take this on or seek professional support. Helping a loved one may be manageable and fulfilling in the beginning, but over time the physical and emotional pressures of caring can take their toll, and you may start to experience feelings of stress, isolation, anxiety, burnout or resentment, alongside a struggle to find a balance between caring, work, family life and other responsibilities. Carer’s burnout can be extremely challenging, so it is important to be aware of the feelings and physical problems this can cause in order to recognise them before they lead to serious issues. You can read more about this in our guide to carer’s burnout.
What is caregiver resentment?
You may not realise you are experiencing caregiver resentment until it begins to put strain on your relationship with your older parent. Identifying this feeling early can make a huge difference and enable you to take proactive steps towards feeling better. Caregiver resentment may involve emotions such as frustration, anger, bitterness, guilt, overwhelm, irritation, emotional exhaustion and even depression. According to the 2023 State of Caring survey, over 79% of all carers say they feel stressed or anxious, while 49% say they feel depressed.Resentment can lead you to only notice the negatives in the situation, and fail to see alternative solutions to problems that arise. It is important to remember these feelings are normal and very common when someone has been caring for a loved one for an extended period of time. Caregiver resentment or burnout may stem from:
- A seemingly constant cycle of caring duties
- A lack of personal time, and time for self-care
- A lack of social time with friends
- A loss of freedom
- Difficulty maintaining your job
- Financial pressures
- Feeling isolated or lonely (research shows 50% of carers say they feel lonely)
- An inability to effectively juggle other life responsibilities
- A perceived lack of appreciation from an older parent, or even resistance to care
- Changing roles as you now become responsible for your parent
- Missing out on holidays or special occasions
- Poor health or physical strain
- Constant fatigue
- Constant worry and anxiety about whether you are doing enough
- An imbalance in family support, for example, from other siblings
It is important to address these feelings not only for yourself (the family caregiver) but also for your parent. Negative emotions like these can impact a caregiver’s mental and physical health, put strain on the familial relationship, and importantly, lead to a diminished quality of care for your loved one – studies have shown high levels of burnout could negatively impact patient safety.
In what ways might someone feel ‘trapped’ by caring duties?
The idea of feeling trapped by caring for a parent can fill adult children with guilt and shame, as many people believe it is a child’s responsibility to dedicate much of their time to caring for an older or ill parent when the time comes. Admitting that you feel a sense of resentment and frustration at being restricted in other areas of life as a result of caring can feel like you are being selfish, but this is not the case. While caring duties are expected from adult children in many cultures, modern life does not always make this possible or easy. Often there are other factors to consider, such as:
- Your older parent may suffer from complex care needs
- Your older parent may not live close by
- You may be an only child with no sibling support
- You may have young children that also require care
- You may have other older relatives or in-laws who need help
- You may have a full-time job alongside caring duties
It is common to feel a sense of confinement or limitation when caring for an older parent due to the extensive time and energy required to do so. Even a parent who only has minimal needs each day may still require you to visit their home daily, which could take up a significant portion of your time. Limited personal freedom and opportunities for social activities, career advancement, or leisure time can contribute to feelings of resentment if there is no respite, and this is further complicated by the inescapable emotional toll of having to witness a parent’s health or mental health decline.
How can family caregivers avoid or minimise feelings of resentment?
Understanding that resentment is normal – and may even be expected – can be the first step towards managing difficult emotions like this. When you are in the mindset of resentment or feeling trapped it can be difficult to regain a sense of control over your life, but this is not impossible. A few ways to keep feelings of resentment at bay (or manage them if they do arise) include:
Setting boundaries
Clearly define limits on your caregiving tasks and carve out personal time to maintain a balance. If you feel you do not have enough time in the day for this, take stock of what you spend time on every week and see which areas you may be able to scale back in order to make more time for the things that matter most, such as self-care and family time.
Talk to someone
Caring duties can become very isolating when you are only spending time with your older parent, so try to discuss your feelings and any concerns you have with other family members and your parent in order to manage expectations and reduce your stress. You do not need to carry the burden alone without voicing how you are feeling.
Learn more
When you take on caring duties without relevant training or experience, it can be overwhelming, and you might feel you are simply muddling through. This can cause further stress. If you plan to care for an older parent for the long haul, take the time to research their medical conditions, look up the best ways to manage caring duties, find local resources or training that could be useful, or bring in a carer on an ad hoc basis to ask questions and discuss the best ways to manage the ongoing caring schedule. Learning more about the role you are taking on can help you to feel more in control.
Become more organised
Feelings of disorganisation can add to the overwhelming nature of caring, so take some time to streamline your tasks, simplify what you can and lighten your load. Use checklists, update calendars regularly, and research online resources to help.
Start thinking ahead
Often caring can feel like you are on an endless hamster wheel. Start to think of your next move in advance and consider some possible future scenarios. For example, think about what might happen if your parent needs to go into the hospital unexpectedly overnight. Perhaps you could put together a hospital bag with everything they need so it is ready to go, just in case.
Seek support from family
If you have other family members who are able and willing to pitch in, be prepared to accept their help. Delegate tasks, and keep them informed of what is going on so they can step in to help if/when needed. Even if they cannot help with daily caring due to distance or other responsibilities, they may be able to alleviate some of the burden by taking on admin tasks, managing specific chores once a week (such as bringing in or ordering a food shop for delivery), or chatting to your parent on a video call while you get on with cleaning and tidying. Think of ways you can involve other people to take on some of the responsibility.
Use available resources
Often your GP can point you in the direction of local services such as caregiver support groups, counselling, or classes and meetups for your older parent to give you some time to yourself. Don’t be afraid to utilise these.
Apply for income support
Caring can be a financial strain. You may end up purchasing weekly groceries for your parent, buying them mobility equipment, or managing their household bills for them. Or if you need to give up your job or reduce your working hours in order to care for your parent, this could affect your income. If you need to, remember there may be options to help such as Carer’s Allowance.
Organise regular respite
Respite for carers is so important to alleviate feelings of resentment, as well as offer a physical, emotional and mental break from caring duties. Regular respite care, even if only for a few hours, can help to recharge your batteries and prevent long-term burnout. You can learn more about this in our guide to what respite care is and how it works.
Shift your perspective
It can be much easier said than done, but try to maintain a positive outlook on the situation, remain grateful for the time spent with your older parent, and acknowledge that you are doing your very best. This may help you stay in good spirits throughout a potentially long caring journey.
Bring in regular home care
No matter how many hours you spend looking after your older parent, home care can help to give you back some of your time and potentially improve the standard of care for your loved one. You may find further advice on this in our guide on how to choose and arrange home care services.
What is the best way to discuss your feelings with an older parent?
Discussing burnout or feelings of resentment with an older parent you are caring for is undoubtedly difficult, but in many cases honesty can help to create more empathy and understanding between the two of you. It may be best to choose a calm, private moment to talk without distractions, and use “I” statements to let them know what your frustrations or feelings are without sounding like you are accusing them of causing the problems. It is important to remember (and emphasise to your older parent) that your issues are with the caregiving duties, not with them. Speak to them in a clear but gentle way, and let them know you are making changes in order to maintain a great standard of care for them. It is also important to listen to how they feel and any concerns they may have, particularly if you plan to bring in home care to help take on some or all of the caring duties. Conversations like this can often alleviate feelings of guilt and release the pressure you may have been experiencing so you feel refreshed and ready to make some positive changes to the way you do things. Your older parent may even be able to suggest some solutions themselves based on how they are feeling and their needs. You might find further advice on caring for your parent in our guide to becoming a full time carer for a family member.
What happens if an older parent refuses home care?
While many parents will understand the need for more balance, conversations about familial caregiving will not always go smoothly, and sometimes you could be faced with resistance when you attempt to make changes.
If an older parent refuses home care outright, this can pose significant challenges for both of you, so it is important to remind your parent that if you continue to take on all caregiving duties without help, their standard of care could be affected.
Remind them that with additional help they could enjoy more activities, spend more time with you and other family members without visits being all about care tasks, and they may find it more comfortable to receive intimate care or personal care from a professional rather than a loved one. There are many benefits to home care, so try to broach this subject with them gently and suggest a staggered approach to beginning this care routine so they have plenty of time to get used to the arrangement.
You may find more useful advice in our guide to handling an elderly relative who refuses care.
Where can families get help with caring?
If you are interested in home care for your older parent, there are options to help you find the right fit. Many people find it helpful to start by speaking to their parent’s doctor who can usually talk through the process, recommend what they think could work for their medical needs, and put them in touch with a local community healthcare team. They may also help to arrange a free Care Needs Assessment, where the local social services team can pay a visit to the home to talk about what may be needed, as well as carry out a financial assessment to determine whether or not they are eligible for funded care.
If you choose to do this, you can also discuss what options may work for you such as a care home/nursing home or home care. If you choose to pursue home care privately, you could consider an introductory agency to set you up with a private carer or a managed agency to take on all of the background checks, paying salaries and other administrative tasks.
You can read more about how to arrange home care and other helpful tips in our other guides:
If you would like to learn more about anything we do, get in touch with your local Home Instead office. Our Care Professionals are the best of the best, and highly trained to deliver the services you need. No matter what type of home care you are looking for, we can provide a tailored service that suits you or your loved one.
We’re an award-winning home care provider and part of a worldwide organisation devoted to providing the highest-quality relationship-led care for older people in their own homes. Arranging care for yourself or your loved one shouldn’t be stressful, so whatever questions you would like answered, feel free to reach out to the Home Instead team to discuss your needs.