Losing Coral
In honour of World Alzheimer's Month, local author and care professional N J Crosskey shares her flash fiction Losing Coral originally published in 2018.
Losing Coral by N J Crosskey
I’m wearing a cream blouse.
The air smells of lavender and bleach. The woman beside me kisses my cheek.
“Bye Mum,” she says, and I realise it’s Meghan. Silly of me, must be the new ‘do. She looks so different.
I forget things sometimes. That’s why I’m here; I think… a word flies across my mind so quickly I can’t hold onto it. I chase it, but it’s gone. So has Meghan.
I walk down the corridor to the lounge. The fraying, floral chairs are occupied by people much older than I. The woman beside me must be ninety if she’s a day. I’m only… well, I’m not sure exactly, but I’m much younger.
She smiles at me, I smile back. “I’m new,” I say.
“That’s nice,” she replies. “Have you ever been to Storrington? I’m from Storrington. Course I didn’t work there. I always caught the number thirty-seven into town-”
She talks, a lot. I listen politely as she tells me every nuance of her life. It’s not until she says, “I must telephone my father, he’ll be dreadfully worried.” that I realise she’s crazy.
I look at the others more closely. One of them polishes a teaspoon, frantically, with her jumper. Another gets up, sits down, and gets up again. They’re all crazy. That word I was chasing rushes forward, belts me round the head. Dementia. I’ve heard it a lot. I’ve heard it said about me.
I’ve got dementia. The memory kicks me in the guts, I struggle for breath. I’ve got dementia, and it’s going to consume me, take away everything I am. I look at them all, locked inside their bubbles. Like scratched records, stuck in one groove. How long before I am the same?
Someone starts to wail. I realise it’s me.
I’m wearing a blue nightdress.
The air smells of smoke. My house is on fire! I flee my bedroom, race to the front door. But it’s locked. I can’t get out! I scream, hammering my fists in vain.
“Help me! I’m burning alive!”
Footsteps thunder toward me. Uniformed arms grasp mine, stopping me from hitting the glass pane.
“Coral,” the young lady says, “look at me.”
I’m shaking, but I obey.
“It’s Okay.” She speaks slowly, deliberately.
“My house is on fire!” Why isn’t she panicking?
“No honey. Not now. You’re safe.”
She leads me back down the corridor, sits me down. She tells me things I half remember, things that seem like whispered dreams.
I left the stove on, burned down the house.
“That’s how you came to live with us,” she says.
I’m wearing a green jumper.
I must change before my date tonight. I pick up my mirror to check my lipstick. A shrivelled face, covered in burns and framed by grey hair stares back at me. I scream.
I’m wearing a purple dress.
I sit next to a woman much older than I. “I’m new,” I say.
“That’s nice,” she smiles. “Have you ever been to Storrington?”
Understanding Dementia
NJ says: ‘Dementia is a subject very close to my heart, and it often features in my writing. After 25 years of working in the care sector, I have come to learn that empathising with the reality the patient/client is experiencing (as opposed to the reality we may perceive ourselves) is absolutely key to giving effective care. You could tell me one hundred times that the white piece of paper in front of me is actually blue, but I won’t believe you because I can see for myself that it’s not. In fact, I’ll probably deduce that you are either confused or attempting to gaslight me. This is why we say ‘never argue’, instead try to recognise the way the individual feels and respond to that, rather than trying to convince them that their perception is wrong. You will no more achieve that than you would persuade your partner that the sky is maroon.
The first step to empathy is to imagine how you would feel in their situation. Remember, this may not be the situation you perceive. Take time to find out what is happening in their current reality, and step into it in order to create connection and offer reassurance and guidance. Many of the behaviours we see with dementia seem ‘odd’ purely because they’re out of context to the reality we perceive. When Coral bangs and shouts and tries to break the door in the middle of the night, it could at first appear to be ‘crazy’ or even aggressive behaviour. But when we understand that she can see, hear, smell fire all around her and believes she is trapped, her behaviour now appears entirely rational. She experiences fragments of the past, mixed in with the present, moments of lucidity and moments of confusion. When caring for those with dementia, it is vital to remember that their perceptions and memories are in constant flux. They may remember very little at 10 am, and then regale you with an in-depth story from memory at 11am. We need to adapt according to their needs, and respond appropriately to THIS moment, whatever it may be.
N J (better known to us at Home Instead as Nicky C), went on to secure publishing deals for her first three novels: Poster Boy, Overdrawn and Correctional. She is represented by Emily Sweet at Aevitas Creative Management and her novels are published by Legend Press.
